11 October, 2015

The Secret

One fine morning I got ready for my work and went walking, crossing lanes after lanes to reach the bus stop. My head started spinning, I felt dizzy and sick all of the sudden. Before I could understand anything I completely lost the control over my body and fell down on the road unconscious. There after who took me to the hospital I cannot recall that part. But when I opened my eyes I found myself surrounded by the nurses and the doctors standing around me. They asked me my name and other details as the part of the legal formalities of the hospital. I got scared and wondered what the hell was happening? What was wrong with me? Soon one of the doctor asked me if I could call someone from my home. Well I lived alone far from family to a different town so nobody could reach here in the mean time. I told doctor rather aggressively that everything was fine and they should discharged me immediately! He said he is conducting couple of medical tests and can say only after he goes through the report which should arrive within 24hours. Until then they wanted to keep me under observation. Although I thought it was pretty much a waste of time and money, I was lying there lifeless.

On the bed alone in the room, I kept wondering about what happened in the morning. It was difficult to focus and I could not sleep too. There was a strange anxiety and fear. In the evening when the doctor came back with the report, its seemed for a while that not everything was in right place. He asked me couple of questions regarding the allergy, my hereditary diseases, diabetes tests, heart-rate tests, and so on. Well the good news was that all the reports were fine. They believed it must be stress and unhealthy practices of eating food might have resulted into such weird conditions. I was supposed to be discharged in the morning. So spending the night in the hospital was getting reckless. All the time I was getting weaker and more scared. I pondered if the reports were fine why should I feel terrified and for what! There was a chaos in my head and something so negative that I could not control. I got up on the bed and sat, observing myself panting, sweating puzzled and clueless. I could not think straight. I freaked out and shouted loudly. Hearing me, some nurses came running. I told them crying hard that I need to go. It seemed like a nightmare. Something I was used to go through almost every night at home. Since I was getting uncontrollably, one of the nurse gave an injection which made me dizzy and asleep at ones.

As I woke up after hours, I realised it was morning already. The nurses seemed confused to my behaviour. I looked calm and sober, nothing like the last night. Such extreme change in me was definitely a topic of concern. It wasn't simply the mood swings. As there was still time for the doctor to arrive, so one of the old aged nurse sat next to me. She looked at me and passed a warm smile. Soon she gave me a tiny questionnaire which I almost got ridiculously the highest score. But in this case getting the highest score means I was much more prone to depression. She instantly and honestly shared the score with the terrible news that I was indeed suffering from an acute depression. Hearing that I simply broke down. I cried uncountably. I lost my energy and struggled to be nice. I disagreed to what she believed but the questionnaire answers result could not be challenged.

Somehow the definition of depression could never make me realised that I was suffering from it. Although I suffered from panic attacks on a regular basis, it seemed more of the behaviour buildup. People suffering from depression looks so normal for their first look but as you spend more time with them, you can easily figure out how disconnected they are from every good thing around. Depression is very much curable but we need to open up. Facing the truth is the toughest thing. As the doctor approached, and was already aware of my situation it was a time for me to confess. I felt no calm internally. I never had a happy childhood and soon after being a teenager I was into the limelight for all the wrong reasons from drugs to bad company.

But in the recent times I have gone through a lot. Simply a lot more than anyone could ever thought. I have seen a weaker side of mine yet fighting the odd strongly. Perhaps, I have been worried for the clueless reason indeed. Madness melting down into me. I have watched the sunset without hoping there will be the brighter days ahead. I have counted stars silently in the lonely long nights. I have been a wanderer almost filled with the stoic feelings. I have followed the trail, soaked mountain tops inhaled. Searching for the answers for all the spoken yet unspoken sentiments. I have seen a sea and tasted the salt in eyes. I have stared the vast sky, squeezing tight the eyelids, holding not to spill and waiting for the shower of drizzling dewdrops settling.

I have tried picking up scattered pieces of puzzling pace of life. I ones unfolded the thoughts and got trapped in it. So I wrapped and enveloped the passion. I have sewn the dreams, desires and determination interwoven million of words handwritten by me in memoirs. Absorbing the freaking shocks and fading surprises. Stumbling and thinking they are the sacred places to submit. And there I have touched the sand and stones following on the sphere of shadow and sounds. Strangely, I have heard the storm singing the sincere words. I had some unfinished fragments cradle little sweet things, so hard to forget or ignore.

The secret of my selfish life lies in the shameful fact that there has been a time when I felt like ending my life. Honestly it wasn't just my life but actually it was about to end the madness in me. The scars of sorrow heal, suppressing the scream, separating the simplicity of souls by burning down the sealed secret love letter. Rising fumes and letting myself fall down and getting life back from scratch.

I wish, I had that extra confidence to go ahead without reasoning the consequences and simply propose her!


  1. serious sentiment saga aka secret ..... loved the last four paras ....read them thrice ... the best part is that it strikes the dark days of everyone's life ... you are adept in describing any emotion with granular analysis...
    keep humming
    ATB for Blogaton !

  2. Nice expression of emotions man. Awesome

  3. Depression is something most of us keep secret. I guess, to show weakness, is difficult. And writing a story on it is just as difficult, so hats off to you for this.

  4. I was suggested this blog by my cousin. I am not sure whether this post
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    You are amazing! Thanks!

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